Is life a revolving series of collecting mistakes? Unchangeable, unforgivable, and complete mistakes are the ones I’m talking about. Being laid out for two days straight because I chose to abuse substances for ten years rather than take care of my teeth? Very weak energy on my part. I used to think I was invincible: plowing through life, never hurt by anything ever. All the while never stopping to look down while my mind and body sileltly kept the score. Every mistake, every blurry decision, every late night, every sip, all tallied and waiting for their moment to stand up and say:
“You fucked this up.”
An infected tooth. Instagram DMs from a person you only knew at 4am. Seventeen calls a day from credit card debt collectors. Opening snail mail from the superior court of CA confirming the divorce. The intonation on my favorite guitar being out of whack. My son asking on his night with me if he can stay home with his mom instead. Sitting alone in my apartment in complete pain, feeling alone, unsure what to do, and without help.
It’s a grind. I’m getting used to this and I believe in my power to change + fix my mistakes. I am grateful what love and help I have around me. I’ll get this shit right - I just might be missing a tooth while I do it.
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